If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
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Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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