I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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