After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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