Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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