I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My ATM looks so different sober.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
