I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
