Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
