Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Welp...herpes.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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