the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
