i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
