And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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