oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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