I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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