1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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