I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
