we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
