we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
be right there i have to get my cape
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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