My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
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I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
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Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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