if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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