I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
