God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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