Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
