im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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