If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
