Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
