If i could tip my vagina, i would.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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