Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
