The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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