did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
