genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
