If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
