We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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