I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
