Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
