Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
