I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
