i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
