you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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