Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
