I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
