I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
