he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
