So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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