I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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