just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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