have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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