Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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