I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
