I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
