Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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