can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
