i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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