He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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