Umm I'm too high to move.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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