She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
