My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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