Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
