Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
