i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
