I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
